Re: darkside and ys (Dark Side Forum)

Re: darkside and ys
Author: Le Fettische	June 13, 2010 at 14:27:26
in reply to: darkside and ys* posted by joe on June 12, 2010 at 00:48:28*

> this is not an acquired thing its something your born with. when i was 5 or 6 my babysitter arlene had her first smoke (a lark) with my mom in her toyota, i remember cuz it was my first erection!

Sex is so basic a characteristic that you'd think everyone's sexual development would be very much the same, but it isn't.

In my case, for example, although I experienced erections from a very young age, it was for purely physical reasons, like a change of temperature, never from an arousing idea, until I had a wet dream at age 11 about Denise R., a tall, thin, rather languid blonde in my 7th grade class, smoking cigarettes through a long holder. That was the first time I knew I could get a hard-on, and that a girl smoking would do it for me.

I also knew it was wrong. Not the wet dream; I didn't even know what that was. The next morning I confessed to my mom that I'd wet the bed, which I'd never done before, and asked if she knew why. That afternoon she went out and got me a sex education book at the library. After reading it I understood.

I never felt guilty about my wet dreams, or about the pleasure I could derive from my penis, awake as well as asleep, which I found out by experimentation from that first wet dream onwards. But I did feel guilty about bringing it about by the thought of girls smoking. I knew it was wrong the first time I did it consciously (instead of just letting it happen in a dream), and I clearly felt the choice open to me whether to surrender to the temptation or not. I knew that it was based on a lie, not on life as it really was but on a pretense that it was different, which excited me.

I can't explain exactly what made it untrue. I mean, people smoked; Denise R. might have smoked. But I was deliberately making it into something more than it was, and at that point I knew it and could have stopped myself from doing it. Unfortunately, however, the lure of the pretended reality was too strong.

That is, whenever it took me over for a spell; but guilt always followed immediately after. That wasn't how normal people thought, or how I myself thought when I was thinking normally; in my normal life, I hated smoking, it was a dividing line between people of one type and people of another type, not counting those in my own family (present company is always excluded), and most of those I saw doing it didn't excite me.

With exceptions.

Young girls: But the "rules" for admission to this category (with "rules" in quotes because in my experience the only constant rule about a fetish is that there is no constant rule) have changed with my age. Before 11: Children about my own age or a little older; girls and boys indiscriminately. 11 through 13 years: Girls about 13 to 17 (but I was bad at guessing ages much beyond my own). 13 through about 45: Girls of 13 or 14. 45 on: Girls from 14 down to 7 or 8.

Sexy teens and women: From the time I grew old enough to recognize them to the present. I probably don't need to go into more detail about them.

Young women in comics: Through at least age 30. But there weren't many. The only ones I remember were: Wally Wood's sexy blondes in EC comics; Tatiana in a comic strip version of From Russia with Love; and (when I was 30, at the comics rack of Eisner Drugs in Bloomington, IN) a sexy blonde witch, probably Mordred in The Witching Hour, who introduced all the stories while smoking a cigarette through a long holder.

Actresses: This category seems to occupy a special place in a lot of people's minds; I'm not sure why. But when I saw photos in Life of Natalie Wood smoking through a holder, I looked at them, kept going back to them, and eventually clipped and saved them; whereas if she'd been the same person but a clerk at the local Rexall, I wouldn't have thought about them twice.

My knowledge that the fetish was wrong led me to work at being aroused by other things--particularly Playboy centerfolds, of whom only three were ever shown with a cigarette (just holding it, never smoking). That worked throughout high school because Playboy and other men's magazines, and making out with dates in the back seats or cars, had for me at that age much of the same forbidden quality as smoking.

I might have been brought out of my fetish, or it might have metamorphosed into something more compatible with my everyday life, if I'd dated or known girls that smoked, or that I knew smoked. If at 11 I'd acquired a semi-girlfriend or pre-girlfriends, as some guys do, who was a smoker, I'm sure I would have developed differently. But I never got to know any girls that smoked, or that I knew smoked, until I was 16; none of my sister's friends did, nor did my sister (she and a friend of hers had tried it in the second grade and made themselves sick, but that was at the friend's house, and I only heard about it second-hand).

Until the early '90s and the advent of the s.f. community, my fetish was definitely a binge practice; I would go for months without it, and then succumb again. My discovery of the community, and the sudden availability of s.f. material any time I wanted it, without any likely fear of other people finding out, definitely advanced (or, some might say, retarded) my fetish career.

But there's another feature of my sexual development that either doesn't happen to other people or that they don't talk about: although my erotic awakening came much later than Joe's, and maybe much later than most, it had been preceded by a long proto-erotic period, whose most marked characteristic was a preoccupation with thoughts and fantasies of smoking by other kids. In this period my fantasies didn't trigger hard-ons or culminate in ejaculations, but they did provide an analogous thrill. In someone who has come of sexual age, it would probably have been termed a sublimation.

I fantasized about family sitcoms; in particular, I remember lingering on an imagined scene where Elinor Donohue and Lauren Chapin from Father Knows Best sit down in the living room and right in front of their parents take out their cigarettes and light up. And one of my fondest real-world memories from this period is spying a girl who looked like Shelley Fabares (from The Donna Reed Show) lighting up in a grocery stairwell together with another girl and two guys, all about 15 or 16. After exhaling her first puff she exclaimed, in the tone of one who has just eagerly submitted to being ravished, "This is the first cigarette I ever smoked!"

Then I had a more or less permanent fantasy where the world had ended and I was free to go down to the corner liquor store and hang out there freely smoking cigarettes, cigars, and pipes (but not drinking, which never appealed to me). Oddly, in real life I never tried smoking before I came of age, or for several years after. Had I done so, that might have changed the course of my development as well.

However, to me the most striking feature of my working-toward-sexual thoughts during this period is the lack of sexual differentiation. It excited me to imagine young girls smoking, but young boys as well, including myself. I re-read the smoking episodes in Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn over and over, and was continually trying to figure out how old the boys were. 13? 11? My age?

In particular, I remember being stunned when as a third or fourth grader I turned over a page in an issue of McCall's magazine and found myself staring at a huge one-and-a-half-page painting of two little boys smoking cigars. The story it accompanied was titled, I think, "The Cigar." This was the plot:

Two young brothers want to smoke cigars. They ask their parents, who decide it would be best to let them, so they buy cigars for them. They watch as the boys take the cigars out to the porch, light up, and sit smoking. After a while the parents come out and ask if they're enjoying their cigars and the boys say they are, and it sure looks that way. The parents are worried: what if they want to keep smoking? However, at the end of the day, when the parents ask them if they'd like another cigar before bed they say, no, that's OK. Apparently they didn't enjoy them that much, after all. The parents are relieved: they did the right thing.

It just struck me that today this story would get the magazine and the author in hot water.

I'm guessing a lot of other people must pass through the same kind of asexual/omnisexual stage I did, and that's when, through predisposition or an accidental convergence of circumstances, some of them become attracted to their own sex, before they become aware they're not supposed to. Because I walk a different track just as far off the main path if not farther, I can't help thinking of theirs in the same way, as just another quirk, with nothing much to be said for or against it. If my bent had been for other boys instead of what it was, I think I would have felt the same guilt. But I've just realized that only came on with puberty; my almost-sexual pre-pubescent thrill had never troubled me, but erection and ejaculation seemed to cross the line into the perverse (I liked this word; I used to read Poe a lot). Maybe that was correct; who knows?

> i have tons of great net pics on floppies but that was win 98 how would i go about converting them?

If the problem is the lack of a floppy drive, you can get one cheap on eBay. If the problem is that the pictures can't be read in the current version of Windows (I didn't know this happened) you can download picture conversion freeware that works across all versions.

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> > this is not an acquired thing its something your born with. when i was 5 or 6 my babysitter arlene had her first smoke (a lark) with my mom in her toyota, i remember cuz it was my first erection! > > Sex is so basic a characteristic that you'd think everyone's sexual development would be very much the same, but it isn't. > > In my case, for example, although I experienced erections from a very young age, it was for purely physical reasons, like a change of temperature, never from an arousing idea, until I had a wet dream at age 11 about Denise R., a tall, thin, rather languid blonde in my 7th grade class, smoking cigarettes through a long holder. That was the first time I knew I could get a hard-on, and that a girl smoking would do it for me. > > I also knew it was wrong. Not the wet dream; I didn't even know what that was. The next morning I confessed to my mom that I'd wet the bed, which I'd never done before, and asked if she knew why. That afternoon she went out and got me a sex education book at the library. After reading it I understood. > > I never felt guilty about my wet dreams, or about the pleasure I could derive from my penis, awake as well as asleep, which I found out by experimentation from that first wet dream onwards. But I did feel guilty about bringing it about by the thought of girls smoking. I knew it was wrong the first time I did it consciously (instead of just letting it happen in a dream), and I clearly felt the choice open to me whether to surrender to the temptation or not. I knew that it was based on a lie, not on life as it really was but on a pretense that it was different, which excited me. > > I can't explain exactly what made it untrue. I mean, people smoked; Denise R. might have smoked. But I was deliberately making it into something more than it was, and at that point I knew it and could have stopped myself from doing it. Unfortunately, however, the lure of the pretended reality was too strong. > > That is, whenever it took me over for a spell; but guilt always followed immediately after. That wasn't how normal people thought, or how I myself thought when I was thinking normally; in my normal life, I hated smoking, it was a dividing line between people of one type and people of another type, not counting those in my own family (present company is always excluded), and most of those I saw doing it didn't excite me. > > With exceptions. > > Young girls: But the "rules" for admission to this category (with "rules" in quotes because in my experience the only constant rule about a fetish is that there is no constant rule) have changed with my age. Before 11: Children about my own age or a little older; girls and boys indiscriminately. 11 through 13 years: Girls about 13 to 17 (but I was bad at guessing ages much beyond my own). 13 through about 45: Girls of 13 or 14. 45 on: Girls from 14 down to 7 or 8. > > Sexy teens and women: From the time I grew old enough to recognize them to the present. I probably don't need to go into more detail about them. > > Young women in comics: Through at least age 30. But there weren't many. The only ones I remember were: Wally Wood's sexy blondes in EC comics; Tatiana in a comic strip version of From Russia with Love; and (when I was 30, at the comics rack of Eisner Drugs in Bloomington, IN) a sexy blonde witch, probably Mordred in The Witching Hour, who introduced all the stories while smoking a cigarette through a long holder. > > Actresses: This category seems to occupy a special place in a lot of people's minds; I'm not sure why. But when I saw photos in Life of Natalie Wood smoking through a holder, I looked at them, kept going back to them, and eventually clipped and saved them; whereas if she'd been the same person but a clerk at the local Rexall, I wouldn't have thought about them twice. > > My knowledge that the fetish was wrong led me to work at being aroused by other things--particularly Playboy centerfolds, of whom only three were ever shown with a cigarette (just holding it, never smoking). That worked throughout high school because Playboy and other men's magazines, and making out with dates in the back seats or cars, had for me at that age much of the same forbidden quality as smoking. > > I might have been brought out of my fetish, or it might have metamorphosed into something more compatible with my everyday life, if I'd dated or known girls that smoked, or that I knew smoked. If at 11 I'd acquired a semi-girlfriend or pre-girlfriends, as some guys do, who was a smoker, I'm sure I would have developed differently. But I never got to know any girls that smoked, or that I knew smoked, until I was 16; none of my sister's friends did, nor did my sister (she and a friend of hers had tried it in the second grade and made themselves sick, but that was at the friend's house, and I only heard about it second-hand). > > Until the early '90s and the advent of the s.f. community, my fetish was definitely a binge practice; I would go for months without it, and then succumb again. My discovery of the community, and the sudden availability of s.f. material any time I wanted it, without any likely fear of other people finding out, definitely advanced (or, some might say, retarded) my fetish career. > > But there's another feature of my sexual development that either doesn't happen to other people or that they don't talk about: although my erotic awakening came much later than Joe's, and maybe much later than most, it had been preceded by a long proto-erotic period, whose most marked characteristic was a preoccupation with thoughts and fantasies of smoking by other kids. In this period my fantasies didn't trigger hard-ons or culminate in ejaculations, but they did provide an analogous thrill. In someone who has come of sexual age, it would probably have been termed a sublimation. > > I fantasized about family sitcoms; in particular, I remember lingering on an imagined scene where Elinor Donohue and Lauren Chapin from Father Knows Best sit down in the living room and right in front of their parents take out their cigarettes and light up. And one of my fondest real-world memories from this period is spying a girl who looked like Shelley Fabares (from The Donna Reed Show) lighting up in a grocery stairwell together with another girl and two guys, all about 15 or 16. After exhaling her first puff she exclaimed, in the tone of one who has just eagerly submitted to being ravished, "This is the first cigarette I ever smoked!" > > Then I had a more or less permanent fantasy where the world had ended and I was free to go down to the corner liquor store and hang out there freely smoking cigarettes, cigars, and pipes (but not drinking, which never appealed to me). Oddly, in real life I never tried smoking before I came of age, or for several years after. Had I done so, that might have changed the course of my development as well. > > However, to me the most striking feature of my working-toward-sexual thoughts during this period is the lack of sexual differentiation. It excited me to imagine young girls smoking, but young boys as well, including myself. I re-read the smoking episodes in Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn over and over, and was continually trying to figure out how old the boys were. 13? 11? My age? > > In particular, I remember being stunned when as a third or fourth grader I turned over a page in an issue of McCall's magazine and found myself staring at a huge one-and-a-half-page painting of two little boys smoking cigars. The story it accompanied was titled, I think, "The Cigar." This was the plot: > > Two young brothers want to smoke cigars. They ask their parents, who decide it would be best to let them, so they buy cigars for them. They watch as the boys take the cigars out to the porch, light up, and sit smoking. After a while the parents come out and ask if they're enjoying their cigars and the boys say they are, and it sure looks that way. The parents are worried: what if they want to keep smoking? However, at the end of the day, when the parents ask them if they'd like another cigar before bed they say, no, that's OK. Apparently they didn't enjoy them that much, after all. The parents are relieved: they did the right thing. > > It just struck me that today this story would get the magazine and the author in hot water. > > I'm guessing a lot of other people must pass through the same kind of asexual/omnisexual stage I did, and that's when, through predisposition or an accidental convergence of circumstances, some of them become attracted to their own sex, before they become aware they're not supposed to. Because I walk a different track just as far off the main path if not farther, I can't help thinking of theirs in the same way, as just another quirk, with nothing much to be said for or against it. If my bent had been for other boys instead of what it was, I think I would have felt the same guilt. But I've just realized that only came on with puberty; my almost-sexual pre-pubescent thrill had never troubled me, but erection and ejaculation seemed to cross the line into the perverse (I liked this word; I used to read Poe a lot). Maybe that was correct; who knows? > > > i have tons of great net pics on floppies but that was win 98 how would i go about converting them? > > If the problem is the lack of a floppy drive, you can get one cheap on eBay. If the problem is that the pictures can't be read in the current version of Windows (I didn't know this happened) you can download picture conversion freeware that works across all versions.
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